I Drew Tommy C

Hi dad 

Sorry I never email you. You're important to me and therefore I am prioritizing writing you this letter (during personal study). 

Tommy C is pretty cool guy I think. I'm glad you're him haha. 

Not much has been happening lately, as you can imagine. Lots of missionaries are going home, including my district leader, whom I was really close with (strictly platonic. I only love Jesus). So that's been really hard; especially since I could have been one of them... 

I know I'm where God needs me right now, but that doesn't make it easier. Should it? Idk I just kinda feel like the people of Ammon getting murderized after covenanting with God. "I put my faith and trust in God, shouldn't He be blessing me right now?" I know He is, cuz I know this will all eventually be for my good. It's like I know all this in my heart, but my mind is just like "DOES NOT COMPUTE. PLEASE LOG OUT AND TRY AGAIN". Just been like super depressed lately. It's a Cannon thing, But uts frustrating cuz I have literally no reason to be depressed. I know tons of people who have to go home early but would do anything to stay. And yet I'm over hear complaining my butt off that I get to stay. Idk my mind just feels very broken. My anxiety is doing pretty good tho. 

I also have like this weird guilt complex going on (probs cuz of my ludicrously high expectations of myself) where if I'm not doing everything exactly perfect then it counts for absolutely nothing. Basdically if I'm not being celestial I'm satanic. Ya it's pretty dumb. But my mind knows that, and yet I still feel it????? Idk. Here's an example: I had a prompting to go and visit a recently widowed member, but it was prime proselyting time. A sacred time, used strictly for street contacting and tracting. But I had a prompting to see this member. So we did. She wasn't even home. But I felt so guilty afterwards. Dad I really dont like rules. Haha but you already know that. I just feel like no matter what I do I'll be breaking some sort of mission rule. Idk if this makes any sense, I'm just dumping the bag of cats that is my mind, out all over you.

Anyway, I love yooouuuuuuuuuuuuu 

Sorry I'm depressed and have no motivation to do anything ever.

Also look at this cool clock and elephant basket I got at a thrift store!

Nee-Nee Bear! 

Thanks you so much for your email...I LOVED reading it!

You are so funny, so strong, and so wonderful!!!

No wonder Satan’s trying so hard to take you behind the tool shed.  He wants to give you a serious whippin’... with his whippin’ stick.  He probably calls it ‘Ol Gumpsion’ and there are nails and screws and jagged pointy things stick out of it.  So yeah, he’s trying to beat you down with Ol’ Gumpsion.  DON’T YOU LET HIM.

Hear this: God loves you.  He IS with you! And...He is ACTIVELY helping you, moving things into position, preparing opportunities for, and quietly giving you strength.  YOU ARE DOING IT!  YOU’RE WINNING THE FIGHT!!  Now, because you’re just like me, you found a way to discount everything I just said (even though I ‘all-caps’d’ it). 

And therein lies the struggle.  Believing that you’re on course, that you’re love, that you’re worthy is so hard when you feel like you’re wandering through darkness.  Like Lehi in his dream.  Though he was following the Savior, he could see nothing but a dark and dreary waste. 

But he hung in there.  Just like Sydney-Bid.

When things were at there worst, he kept praying.

And then: He saw a light...

You will, too, Syd.  Let yourself believe that. Choose to believe that.  Ask God for help to believe that.  Things will get better.  I promise you that.

Love you tons Syd!  Let’s talk soon!

Tommy C. And the Ocean Syndicate believe in you!!!